Before You Go

  CLARE SWATMAN

  before

  you

  go

  MACMILLAN

  For Tom, Jack and Harry

  Contents

  Prologue

  16 August 2013

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  Prologue

  29 June 2013

  It’s a hot day, the bright sunshine in stark contrast to the sombre mood. Zoe’s face is pale, expressionless, as she climbs out of the black car and makes her way unsteadily towards the low brick building in front of her. Her mother Sandra hurries to catch up, and grips her daughter protectively by the elbow.

  A huddle of people, their shadows shortened by the midday sun, stand to the right of the doors. Zoe can’t tell who they are, as the bright light has turned them into nothing more than silhouettes, but one or two are smoking, blowing uneven puffs into the warm summer air. They watch as Zoe approaches, and one gives a tight smile in greeting. Zoe doesn’t notice.

  Inside, mother and daughter make their way stiffly towards the front row. Zoe’s mother-in-law Susan is already there. Her eyes are red and puffy, despite the carefully applied make-up, and she manages a weak smile as they sit down next to her. Instinctively Zoe reaches out and grabs her hand and clutches it tightly on the seat between them.

  Behind them they can hear the shuffles and sniffs and murmurs of the other mourners as they move to take their seats. But it’s what’s in front of them that holds all their attention: Ed’s coffin, sitting proudly on a table at the front of the room. Zoe stares at the innocuous wooden box and finds it impossible to believe that the body of her husband, so strong, so vibrant, so alive, is actually contained in there. It’s totally unreal.

  It’s totally unfair.

  It had been hot the day he died too. Zoe had been rushing round the flat, as always, throwing things into her bag: laptop, diary, apple, mobile, Diet Coke, book, iPad.

  ‘Put any more in that and you’re going to need a packhorse to get it to work,’ Ed had mumbled through his toothbrush. A line of toothpaste had dribbled down his chin and plopped onto the floorboards.

  She rolled her eyes.

  ‘For God’s sake, Ed,’ she said, feeling her temper rising. She’d known she was overreacting, that he was only trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t help herself. She stomped into the bathroom, unrolled a length of toilet paper and bent down to mop the dribbled toothpaste off the floor. As she rubbed, her nail caught on a floorboard and ripped.

  ‘Fuck’s sake,’ she muttered, feeling the anger rise in her throat like bile. She stood up and stomped back into the bathroom, yanked the bathroom cabinet open and rummaged around for the nail scissors. She was late, Ed was pissing her off, and she just needed to get out of the flat. Scissors located, she clipped the hanging nail, threw them back in the cabinet and slammed the door.

  Marching out of the bathroom, she could see Ed skulking in the living room trying to stay out of her way. She couldn’t blame him. She was always angry these days, an unexplained rage that bubbled beneath the surface, ready to explode at any moment. But knowing it was there didn’t mean she could keep it in; it was the hormones, she knew. Always the bloody hormones.

  She yanked the cupboard door open and reached for her sandals. As she stuck her head into the wardrobe she heard Ed’s muffled voice saying something from the other room.

  ‘What?’ she snapped, tilting her head to hear him better. He appeared at the door, clipping his cycling helmet to his head.

  ‘I’m going to work. See you later.’

  ‘Bye.’ Brief, curt. She wasn’t in the mood for a conversation, and Ed knew it. He turned and left. Seconds later the door slammed and she heard rattling as he unlocked his bike then pedalled away. Her heart did a little flip of regret but she ignored it and turned back to the wardrobe.

  And that was the last time she’d seen him alive.

  It wasn’t until later that she’d heard the news. She’d been in a meeting all morning, and when she came out, her boss Olive was waiting at her desk, her face ashen.

  ‘Olive? Is everything OK?’ Zoe said.

  Olive said nothing for a few seconds, and Zoe started to feel worried. Had she made a mistake with something? Was she in serious trouble?

  ‘Come with me,’ Olive said. Her voice was gentle and soothing rather than harsh and angry, which made Zoe even more confused. They walked back into the meeting room Zoe had just left and Olive closed the door behind her.

  ‘Sit down,’ she said, gesturing to the chair next to her, taking one herself. ‘Please.’

  Zoe pulled the chair out and perched on the edge of it nervously. Her hands had started to shake.

  ‘Zoe, I don’t know how to tell you this,’ Olive said, without preamble. ‘There’s been an accident. It’s Ed. He was hit by a bus.’

  She stopped and Zoe held her breath, wanting Olive to say the next words quickly, to get them over with; yet not wanting to hear them, not really, not out loud.

  A gentle knock on the door broke the terrible silence and Zoe almost jumped out of her seat. Olive rushed to open it. Zoe turned too, and as she did, her world fell apart.

  Two police officers stood in the doorway. They were asking for her.

  A strangled sob escaped her mouth instead of words. She tried to stand up but her legs wouldn’t support her and she fell back onto the chair. Her hands shook and as the female police officer came into the room Zoe looked up at Olive, her eyes begging her to tell her there had been a terrible, awful mistake. But Olive couldn’t meet her gaze.

  Zoe stared at the police officer’s shoes. They were polished to such a shine that the glare from the strip lights overhead was reflected back brightly from their toes. She thought about this woman getting ready for work that morning, standing in her kitchen, buffing her shoes to a shine, thinking about the day ahead. Had she imagined that later that day she’d have to tell someone their husband had died?

  She continued to say nothing, gazing at the floor.

  ‘Zoe?’ a voice said.

  She looked up. Three faces were looking at her, waiting for her to say something.

  ‘I . . . I . . .’ The words wouldn’t come out. ‘Where is he?’ she finally croaked.

  Relieved finally to have something to say, the male police officer stepped forward a foot. ‘He was taken to the Royal Free,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry, but he . . . there was nothing the doctors could do.’ He paused. ‘We can take you there if you like?’

  Numb, Zoe nodded and stood up. Olive raced towards her, eager to have something useful to do.

  ‘Let’s go and get your stuff, love,’ she said, taking Zoe by the elbow and steering her to the door.

  At her desk Zoe bent to pick her bag off the floor, scooped her cardigan from the back of her chair, and scanned the desk to make sure she’d left nothing behind.

  Then she and Olive followed the officers as they led her out of the office and Olive helped her into the waiting police car. The street was oddly quiet. In the back of her mind she knew she had to let people know what was happening, so as the car rumbled quietly towards the hospital she’d tapped in a familiar number. Jane first. Her best friend.

  ‘Hey,’ she said, picking up after the first ring. Her voice was light and bright, and it sounded so incongruous Zoe gasped.

  ‘Zo, what’s wrong?’

  �
�Ed . . .’ Her voice cracked and she struggled to get the words out. ‘It’s Ed. He’s . . . there’s been an accident and . . .’ She couldn’t finish. She couldn’t say the word. She didn’t need to.

  ‘Fuck, Zo, where are you? I’m coming.’

  ‘Royal Free.’ Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

  ‘I’m on my way.’

  As she ended the call they pulled up outside the hospital. No time to ring anyone else. The sun was low behind the brown brick building, giving it a strangely Gothic feel silhouetted against the bright sky. She climbed out of the car. Her legs shook and she stumbled and the female police officer – she wished she could remember her name – took her elbow to steady her. They walked together towards the doors and as they closed behind her Zoe felt as though she was being swallowed into hell.

  She was led to a bank of chairs in a small room tucked away in the depths of the hospital. As she waited she stared blindly at the posters on the wall for bereavement counselling and depression, reading the words but not taking them in. The effort of keeping her mind empty was taking all the strength she had. Then she heard a familiar voice and looked up and there was Jane, who ran towards her across the tiny room and then their arms were wrapped tightly round each other and Zoe was sobbing: huge, jerking, body-wracking sobs that felt as though they were going to break her in two.

  ‘He – he’s dead,’ she gulped through thick, snotty tears.

  ‘Oh Zoe, Zoe, Zoe,’ Jane said as she held her dearest friend and rubbed her back firmly. They stayed like that until Zoe’s sobs subsided, then they sat, holding hands.

  ‘I was so horrible to him this morning,’ Zoe said as her breath began to even out. ‘He couldn’t even look at me. He hated me, Jane.’

  ‘Zoe, Ed would never have hated you. He adored you, and he knew you loved him. Please don’t think like that.’

  ‘But I was so angry with him and he hadn’t done anything wrong. I didn’t even say goodbye and now he’s gone and I can never tell him how much I love him. It’s too late. What the hell am I going to do?’

  Before Jane could answer, the doctor was there and they were being led to where Ed was, to identify his body. Zoe listened in a daze as doctors explained Ed had been hit by a bus, that he’d stood no chance, that he’d been dead on arrival at hospital. The words ‘massive brain trauma’ and ‘nothing we could do’ drifted in and out of her head but she couldn’t bear to think of Ed in pain, hurting. All she could think was why. Why did she let him leave the house without telling him she loved him? If she’d delayed his departure even a few moments by giving him a hug, he’d be alive now, and they could sort things out; she was sure they could. If she’d driven him to work instead of letting him cycle – she hated him cycling, she was always terrified he was going to get knocked off and hurt . . .

  But now it was too late. Ed was dead.

  Oh my God, Ed was dead.

  Numbly, she was led to Ed’s bedside. Despite his injuries – they’d cleaned him up as best they could but there were still traces of blood on his face and down his chest – it was her Ed lying there, and the urge to reach out and touch him, hold him and tell him everything would be OK, was overwhelming. But she knew she couldn’t. Instead she turned and walked away, Jane holding her up by the shoulders.

  The next few hours were a blur. She remembers people bringing her tea, giving her comforting hugs, the whoosh and whir of trolleys passing by the relatives’ room where she sat waiting. Then Ed’s mum Susan had arrived and the two women had held each other, united by a grief that threatened to overwhelm them both.

  And now here they are again. It’s only ten days later, and it still hurts so much Zoe can barely believe she’s still breathing.

  A sob wracks through her chest and escapes her mouth and she clamps her hand over it, tries to compose herself. Her mum squeezes her other hand more tightly.

  And then the ceremony starts.

  Zoe sits dry-eyed as the celebrant begins, speaking soft, gentle words about her husband.

  And then it’s Zoe’s turn. She’s not sure she can go through with it, but she’s promised Susan, and, as she steps onto the podium holding the half-screwed-up piece of paper in her hand and looks out at the sea of faces, all these people who loved Ed, who love her, she knows she has to say something. She steps up to the microphone.

  ‘I’d written some words down here that I wanted to say but now I’m not sure they’re quite right.’ Her voice cracks slightly and Sandra moves to comfort her but Zoe gives a tiny shake of her head and takes a deep, shuddery breath. ‘For the last fifteen years Ed has been my world. He’s meant everything to me and the truth is, the thought of carrying on in a world without him feels like walking across a vast, open desert with no sign of water. It feels like a half-life already, and he’s only just gone. And I know everyone says that time heals, but I don’t think I want it to. I don’t want the memory of him, of what we had together, to fade. I want to hold it in my mind forever, to keep me going through the dark days I know are going to come.’

  She pauses, looks down at her hands clasped tightly on the podium in front of her, her knuckles white.

  ‘I’ll always wish there were things I’d said and things I hadn’t, and I’ll always wish I could have a chance to change some of the things I did on the day he died and in the months and years before that. But I can’t and so instead I’ll try to carry the happy times with me, and try to forget the bad—’

  She stops again, looks up and catches Jane’s eye. Her friend’s face is pale, drawn, a faded version of her usual self.

  ‘I hope you can all do the same. Remember Ed with love. I’m glad you’re all here. I’m not sure I could do it without you. Thank you—’ And then her voice breaks, the tears start and she hurries back to her seat and to her mother’s arms.

  The celebrant carries on but Zoe can hardly take the words in. Then it’s the end of the ceremony, and as the curtain is drawn round the coffin, Ed’s favourite song, ‘Under My Thumb’ by the Rolling Stones, starts up. ‘No!’ Zoe cries out, then turns her head away, buries her face in her hands and lets the tears flow freely. And when she looks up again, Ed is gone.

  16 August 2013

  Standing by the window, Zoe rubs her head and watches the rain run in rivers down the grimy glass, dragging her mood down with it. The pummelling of the rain on the window sounds like a distant drumbeat mirroring the hammering of her heart, and she can’t tell where the raindrops end and where her tears begin.

  Outside she sees the blurry garden; it’s been less than two months but she’s already let it get overgrown, out of control. The roses in their pot sag under their own weight; dozens of weeds and several thistles stand proud in a small patch of soil; the decking is slick with moss and rain. She closes her eyes briefly and sees Ed hunched over, carefully planting, pruning, weeding. This tiny patch of garden was his pride and joy; it was one of the reasons they bought the flat in the first place. She should be looking after it properly but she hasn’t been able to go out there yet, even the thought of seeing it without Ed pressing heavily on her heart.

  She shoves her hand deep into the pocket of her cardigan and feels the foil packet there. She glances at her watch. It’s only been two hours since she took the last one and they make her feel a bit wobbly. But she really needs it. It’s an antidepressant; she’s depressed. It’s a no-brainer. She pops it into her mouth quickly and swallows it down dry, making her gag.

  Turning away from the window, she walks into the kitchen and unlocks the back door. The key won’t cooperate and she fumbles a little. Then finally it turns with a click and she yanks the door towards her and steps outside. The rain’s so heavy her hair is almost immediately plastered to her face, but she hardly notices. She crunches across the gravel and steps up onto the decking; she leans forward and yanks a thistle out, oblivious to the prickles piercing her skin. She throws it onto the floor angrily then turns and pulls up another, does the same. The anger is raging through her now and
she pulls out weed after weed, not seeing what she’s doing. Plants go flying, petals are ripped from flowers; she is taking out her rage on the place that Ed loved the most. It’s not making her feel any better, but she can’t seem to stop.

  The rain continues to pummel her head, making her clothes cling to her cool skin, but she’s not cold: she feels nothing. Finally, when there’s nothing left to pull up, she turns and steps over the pile of damp, soggy leaves she’s created, water dripping from her eyebrows, her lips, her cheeks. She places her foot on the decking and makes a move to go back inside, but her foot slips out from under her, not making proper contact with the wet, slippery ground, and kicks out in front of her instead. She loses her balance and her body tips backwards as though in slow motion; her arms windmill, trying to grasp for something, anything, to stop her falling. But there’s nothing but air and she feels her stomach leap into her throat as she falls backwards onto the wet ground. She thinks she screams but she can’t be sure as her head smashes into a ceramic pot, bounces up and falls back to hit the ground with a sickening thud. The pain is intense, but over quickly as she loses consciousness and everything goes black.

  1

  18 September 1993

  From the moment I wake up, my eyes still firmly closed, I know something has changed. While my mind struggles to pin down what it might be, a crazy thought flits through it: maybe this has all been a terrible nightmare, and Ed isn’t dead after all. Then I remember all over again and my stomach contracts, my muscles tighten and I feel as though the delicate string keeping me tethered to the earth, to my life, is in danger of breaking forever.

  So what, then, is so different about today?

  I can tell even with my eyes still closed that the room is flooded with light, which is odd for a start. I like my room dark. Could I just have forgotten to shut my blackout blinds last night? Maybe. But it definitely feels like more than that.

  And then something drifts into my mind. It’s not clear, but there’s a vague memory there, lurking in the shadows trying to elude me. I was in the garden. It was raining and I was pulling up weeds, wildly; I remember that. But then I can’t remember much else. There’s just a blank space dotted with the occasional clear image: falling, a pain in my head, roses, Jane’s face, bright strip lights . . . and then nothing.