Before You Go Page 15

  ‘It’s good to see you. It’s been too long. How’s the lawyer training going?’

  ‘I know, sorry, I’ve been crap. It’s fine, it’s good but – work is just so bloody busy I hardly even have time to fart any more, let alone go out.’

  I grin. ‘I know the feeling. I always seem to be at work these days too.’

  ‘Marketing, isn’t it, you’re in these days? Über-successful, Ed tells me, head of the department or something?’

  ‘I don’t know about that, but I do love it.’

  ‘Great, great. I always knew you’d do well, Zoe. I wish I’d done something easier though, like Ed. You know, goofing around, doing a bit of gardening here and there.’

  ‘He’s not goofing around, not any more.’ I sound sharp without meaning to, but I feel defensive. ‘He’s just trying it out for a while, deciding whether it’s what he wants to do, you know, as a career. Not everyone’s as focused as you, Si.’

  ‘No, point taken. Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just sometimes wish I had more of a life, got out to see my friends more.’ He pauses, takes a sip of beer. ‘So anyway, how are you – you and Ed?’

  ‘Good.’ I nod and take a sip from my own drink. ‘We’re really good, thanks. Happy.’

  And we were. Since the huge row about getting married – the first time round – Ed had come back from staying with his mum and we’d reached a kind of plateau; we seemed to be doing OK. Tensions had dropped and I’d begun to accept that it might never happen, that he might never propose. I was even starting to think I might be OK with that.

  And then, the day after this party, we’d gone out for dinner. He’d been moody and grumpy and I’d put it down to our horrendous hangovers. But then he’d got down on one knee and asked me to marry him and I’d nearly fallen off the chair with shock.

  I’d said yes, of course. I don’t remember many days I’d ever been happier, before or since.

  But what I’ve been trying to work out since I woke up this morning is why, if other days I’ve relived have been so significant to me and Ed, I’ve come back to this day and not tomorrow, the proposal day. Nothing’s really happened today, apart from this party – we’ve both been at work, we had dinner and then we got ready and came here. I’m hoping all will soon become clear. I can’t shake a nagging doubt, a feeling somewhere deep inside that something’s going to go horribly wrong.

  I’m pulled back to the party by the sound of Simon’s voice. He’s been saying something and I haven’t heard a word.

  ‘Sorry, I was miles away.’ There’s a woman standing next to Simon. She’s a good few years older than him, her hair shiny and make-up immaculate. Her eyes are sparkling with happiness and I recognize her immediately as Joanna, who very quickly becomes Simon’s wife.

  She holds her hand out. ‘Lovely to meet you.’

  ‘You too.’ I shake her hand and smile. I’m about to say something else when I spot Ed across the room, fiddling about with the CD player. It’s not the first time I’ve seen him today but my heart skips a little beat anyway.

  ‘Sorry, excuse me a minute.’ I scurry over to Ed, not caring how rude I seem, wrap my arms round his waist and press my cheek against his warm back. He spins round to face me. ‘Hello, you.’

  ‘Hello yourself. What’re you up to?’

  ‘Oh, just seeing if there’s anything better than this bloody racket.’ He rolls his eyes. He’s holding a few CDs in his hands.

  ‘And is there?’

  ‘Nah, load of old crap. You know what Rob’s taste’s like.’ He grins. ‘Shall we go and get another drink?’

  ‘Good plan.’

  We wander into the kitchen, hand in hand. Most of the surfaces are covered with bottles and a growing pile of empties sits by the back door. There are a couple of people I don’t recognize and they smile at us as we come in. I smile back.

  Ed opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine, pours me one, then finds himself a glass and pours in some red. We both take a sip and wince. ‘Jesus, it tastes like mouthwash.’ He glances at the bottle then takes another gulp, his mouth pinched. ‘Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.’

  ‘True. And you know the best way to stop noticing the taste?’

  ‘Drink it quicker?’

  ‘Exactly.’ I grin and we tip our heads back in unison and drain our glasses. I slam mine back down on the counter, breathless. ‘That was gross. More, please.’

  Ed obliges and we stand quietly for a moment, the bass from the music thumping through our bodies as we lean against the kitchen counter. My head is spinning from drinking the wine too fast. Ed’s face is serious, thoughtful, as he watches me intently, and for a moment I wish I could read his thoughts.

  ‘Penny for them?’

  ‘What? Oh sorry, I was just thinking.’

  ‘About?’

  ‘Just – you know, this. Us. How great we are.’ He turns to me with a wicked grin. ‘Especially me.’

  ‘Ha bloody ha.’ I punch his arm gently.

  ‘Seriously, though. It’s true. Since we had our chat, I’ve been thinking—’

  ‘Zoeeeee!’ Jane bursts through the door, stumbling a little, holding hands with goatee-beard man, a wild, drunken smile on her face.

  ‘Hey, you.’ The moment’s broken and I glance at Ed and raise my eyebrows in question. He shrugs.

  She stands straight and looks at me, then at Ed. ‘You having your own little party in here, then?’ She indicates the now-empty kitchen with a sweep of her arm.

  ‘Yeah, you could say that.’ Ed’s voice is flat.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt, but this – ’ a wave of her hand – ‘is Adam. Adam, this is Zoe and Ed. My best friends.’

  Adam raises his beer bottle in greeting. ‘All right.’

  Ed nods a greeting back. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘Adam’s an old friend – used to work with me . . .’ Jane links her arm through his territorially. ‘Anyway, we’ve just come to get a drink, I’m bloody parched.’ She leans over and plucks a couple of beers from the counter and passes one to Adam, then they both turn and stumble from the room as quickly as they’d entered.

  The kitchen’s suddenly quiet again and Ed’s looking at the floor, worrying his shoe over an imaginary stain on the tiles. He seems anxious and I’m desperate to know why.

  ‘So, before we were rudely interrupted you were about to say something?’

  His eyes flick up to meet mine, flick down again.

  ‘Yeah, it – it doesn’t matter. Not now.’

  ‘Oh, OK. It’s just – you said you’d been thinking, so I thought it might have been something important.’

  ‘Yeah, it was. It is. It’s just – I’m not sure it’s something I want to talk about here, now, after all.’

  ‘Why not?’ I look around the kitchen and smile. ‘What’s wrong with this lovely kitchen?’ There are dirty plates and cups littering most surfaces, and overflowing ashtrays. Ed smiles back.

  ‘Good point. It is pretty salubrious.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘You’re not going to let this go, are you?’

  ‘Nope.’

  He inhales deeply, lets the air out through his mouth in a hiss, his cheeks puffing out. ‘OK. So, I have been thinking. A lot. About us.’ He pauses, looks at his feet, shuffles uncomfortably. ‘I’ve been thinking about our future, about the house in the country, the kids, the marriage – everything we’ve talked about.’ He pauses and my heart hammers wildly in my chest. What’s coming next? What if this time around he’s decided he can’t do it, he can’t be with me? Where would that leave me now, in the present? I feel the room spinning as he takes a deep breath and I feel as though I’m going to pass out. The strip lights over my head become a whirl of rainbow colours, and my vision blurs. And then I realize Ed’s holding something in front of him, and waiting for me to speak, and I try to focus on him, on his face.

  ‘Zoe, are you OK?’

  ‘I – I’m fine. Wh-what did you just say?’

&nbs
p; Ed nods his head, indicates the thing he’s holding out in front of him. It’s a box and in it is – I squint more closely at it. It’s a ring! A tiny, glittering diamond ring, and Ed’s looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.

  ‘I just asked you to marry me, Zoe.’ His face is serious.

  And so I give the only answer I can give, the only answer I’m ever going to give. ‘Yes.’ My voice is barely more than a squeak.

  ‘Was that a yes?’

  I nod. ‘It was.’ I brush the tears from my face but it’s soaking wet now and there’s no stopping them.

  Ed opens his arms and I fall into them, soaking his T-shirt. He buries his face in my hair. ‘Thank God for that.’

  I look up at him, his face so close to mine I can hardly make out his features. ‘You didn’t really think I’d say no, did you?’

  ‘No, I didn’t, not really. But to be honest, Zoe, this wasn’t really planned, not tonight. I had it all arranged for tomorrow, you know, when we go out for dinner. I’ve been carrying the ring round for days because I didn’t want you to find it in the flat. But tonight you just looked so happy and beautiful and – well, you know. I just thought, why not? Why not now? And at least it’s not a cliché.’ He grins sheepishly.

  ‘It’s definitely not that, Ed. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. It was just pretty – unexpected.’ I stand on tiptoes and reach up and plant a kiss on his lips. They’re warm and soft, and taste slightly of red wine. It’s lovely.

  I pull away and look at him. ‘So what made you change your mind?’

  He pauses a moment, licks his lips. ‘I think it was the thought of losing you, Zoe. I kept thinking, how would I feel if I refused to marry you and you left me and married someone else, and it just – I just couldn’t imagine it. I couldn’t let it happen. Plus, Mum told me I was being a total idiot for refusing to marry you.’ He grins. ‘Not that I listen to my mother, of course.’

  ‘Course not. But she does talk a lot of sense.’

  ‘She does. And she’s right, you know. Just because my bloody useless father couldn’t commit to anything for more than five minutes, it doesn’t mean I’m the same. I’m not the same. I hate him for what he did, but it’s not me.’

  ‘No, it’s not.’ I squeeze him. ‘We’re going to be great, you’ll see.’ I wish I could tell him what’s to come – the good times and the terrible times. This is such a major thing that’s happening to me, and yet I can’t share it with the one person I share everything with. It feels wrong, almost as though I’m cheating.

  But what would he say if I did tell him? Is it worth a go?

  ‘Ed?’

  ‘Mmm-hmm.’

  ‘What would you do if you got the chance to meet me all over again?’

  He pulls away and looks down at me, a line creasing his forehead, and I know I’ve made a mistake. ‘What?’

  ‘Well – you know. What if we could do this all over again, up to this point. Would you do anything differently?’

  ‘I – I dunno. Why, would you? Are you trying to tell me something, Zo?’ His face is pinched in confusion and I wish I’d never started this.

  ‘No, no, nothing. It’s nothing. Forget I ever said anything.’

  I’ve looked away but I can feel his eyes boring into me, searching for a clue to my thoughts. But I’m giving nothing else away. It’s too risky.

  Finally, he shrugs and turns to pour another glass of wine. ‘I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you?’

  ‘Definitely.’ I hold my glass up and we clink them together. ‘To us!’

  ‘To us.’

  We both take a sip and stand, slightly awkwardly. ‘So, are you going to actually let me put the ring on, then?’

  ‘What? Oh, sorry, Zo, I totally forgot.’ His hands are shaking as he slides the ring carefully onto my finger.

  ‘Thank you. I love it.’

  It fits perfectly, as I knew it would; it’s the ring I’ve been wearing every day for the last eleven years. I stare at it for a moment, lost in memories. And then I kiss Ed deeply, and we go and tell everyone our good news.

  It’s been an interesting day, one that hasn’t worked out quite as I’d expected when I woke up this morning. The new proposal was great, and I’m thrilled. But as I drop off to sleep in the early hours, my head swimming with too much cheap wine, I can’t help wondering what it all means that new things keep happening.

  I can’t help hoping that, in some way, it means that everything has changed.

  11

  14 December 2003

  A banging on the door wakes me up and I sit bolt upright, my heart pounding. Seconds later Becky crashes through the door.

  ‘Going to the chapel and we’re gonna get ma-a-arrieeeed,’ she squawks as she plonks a cup of tea down next to me and throws herself on the end of my bed. ‘Morning, Mrs Williams.’ She grins happily.

  ‘Not yet,’ I mumble, propping myself up on my elbow. ‘And morning yourself.’

  I rub my eyes and look round the room. It doesn’t take long to work out where I am: this is the second time I’ve woken up in my childhood bedroom and it looks almost exactly the same as it did before, apart from the packing boxes. It only takes a few more seconds to work out what day it is too, as my wedding dress is hanging on the wardrobe opposite my bed. My stomach flips over at the sight of it. This was one of the happiest days of my life. I never dreamed I’d get to do it all over again.

  My forehead creases briefly as a thought crosses my mind. This day was almost perfect – no, it was perfect. I can’t imagine there’s anything I’m going to want to try and change. I’ll just have to wait and see.

  I cross my legs and take a sip of the tea Becky’s brought me. She sits next to me and we’re lost in thought for a moment, two sisters, cross-legged on the bed. I smile as I remember asking Jane to be my bridesmaid.

  ‘As long as you don’t make me look like a toilet roll holder. In fact, better than that, I want to look hot.’

  ‘Of course,’ I’d said, grinning. ‘Aren’t you meant to find the love of your life at your best friend’s wedding or something? Or at least get a great shag out of it. You can’t do that if you’re looking like a lampshade.’

  ‘Exactly. All right then, I’ll do it.’

  Ed and I had agreed we didn’t want a massive wedding. Well, I wouldn’t have minded, but Ed was firm. ‘I’m not dressing up like a penguin and poncing about on the dance floor. I just want the day to be fun.’

  And I knew what he meant. The day was about me and him, not about whether our napkins matched our tablecloths or whether everyone got a voile-wrapped sugared almond on their plate at dinner. So for the last few months we’d been quietly getting on with sorting the details out. We were having a low-key civil wedding at the Mount Pleasant Hotel near Bawtry, and had booked a buffet and a band. Decorations only needed to be minimal because the whole place was already decked out with Christmas trees and lights, and we had about fifty people coming. It was going to be perfect.

  It had been perfect. And now I was getting to enjoy it all over again.

  ‘So, are you excited?’ Becky’s looking at me over the top of her mug, steam curling in front of her face.

  ‘Terrified.’ I take another sip of tea, gulp it down. ‘But yes, excited too.’

  ‘Me too.’

  I blow my tea gently. ‘Becky? Thank you for being my bridesmaid. I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you since I moved out.’

  Her face clouds over for a moment. ‘It’s OK. Anyway, like you could have stopped me – I’d have killed you.’

  I grin. ‘True. But I’m still glad.’

  ‘Good.’

  We sit in silence for a few more minutes until Mum’s voice floats up the stairs.

  ‘Come on, you lot, come and get some breakfast.’

  ‘Yes, Mum,’ we chorus.

  ‘We’d better go, Mum’s made enough food to feed a small army.’ Becky swings her legs round and walks out of the door. But bef
ore I head down I go into the spare room and wake Jane up.

  ‘Mum’s made breakfast,’ I whisper, shaking her gently.

  ‘Hggghhghh,’ she mumbles, and rolls over to face me. ‘Are there pancakes?’

  ‘This is Mum we’re talking about, of course there’ll be pancakes.’

  ‘OK then, I’m there.’ She rolls out of bed, shoves her fags in the pocket of her dressing gown and follows behind me down to the kitchen. As we step through the door Mum shouts, ‘Surprise!’ and hands me a glass of champagne. Dad’s standing by the dining table munching on a piece of toast.

  ‘John, put that down, we haven’t started yet.’

  ‘I have. Anyway, you’ve got enough to feed the whole street; one piece of toast won’t matter.’ Crumbs spray from his mouth as he pops the last piece in, and Mum looks furious. I have to stifle a laugh.

  I look at the table, where Mum’s stacked piles of pancakes; the toast rack is rammed full of toast, there are pots of jam, marmalade and honey, butter, croissants, boiled eggs, boxes and boxes of cereal and a jug of milk. There are also tea and coffee pots and there’s more coffee brewing in the machine.

  ‘Wow, thanks, Mum. But – I’m not really that hungry . . .’

  Mum’s face turns red and Dad almost chokes on his tea. ‘You have to eat someth—’ she starts; then she sees the look on my face. ‘Oh ha ha, very funny.’ She claps her hands. ‘Now come on, sit down, tuck in.’

  We do as we’re told. As we chew on toast and croissants, drink gallons of tea and far more champagne than we should at eight o’clock in the morning, we chat and laugh and I have to fight back the tears. I’ve missed this so much. Things had been so tense with Ed towards the end that I hadn’t wanted to talk about our problems with anyone, not wanting to admit we were failing. But in doing so I’d shut out the people that mattered, the people I love. My family. And this is what I’ve been missing.

  After breakfast I shower, and Becky does my hair and make-up, as well as Mum’s, Jane’s and her own. I slip into my dress and Jane zips it up at the back and I turn to look at myself for the first time this morning. Seeing myself as a bride almost takes my breath away. The photo that will later stand on our mantelpiece doesn’t capture the happiness that radiates from me like sunbeams, or the glow that’s settled round my face. My dress clings to me in all the right places and my shoulders look lean and tanned.